# take it or leave it

i'm getting physically and mentally exhausted by this. i want to tell him to take it or leave it, that i want either commitment or nothing at all..but i know he can't and wont choose commitment, and i don't want to lose what little of him i have! so i guess i'll just have to keep working out to maintain what little strength i have... it's funny how the people who make you stay strong, are the same people who make you the weakest. 

you know, i told him once "it's not the fall that matters, it's how you land and who catches you" (Karpe Diem, Glasskår

so he told me he'd catch me. but then i told Astrid that "he says he'll catch me, but i don't think he realizes that he's the one who's slowly but surely (not slowly, come to think of it) pushing me over the edge". and then she replied "so...he's pushing you into his own arms?!" i hadn't thought if it that way before! 

#

# hitting walls

I met him today, for lunch. I don't know if I told you I was going to? Originally I was going to meet him on next Monday, but, short story long: we rescheduled. It is amazing, how easy things are with him. It didn't feel like it's been 84-ish days since the last time I saw him. Not until a few hours later anyways, when I realized how much I've actually missed him, and how badly I've missed him. A friend of mine put it this way: isn't it like smoking? Once you've had one blow, you're addicted!? So I told her yes, it's like that. And then comes the abstinence..!

That's when you hit the wall, H. And I tend to hit them quite hard. It's another 124-ish days till I get to see him again, at X-camp. And then there'll be another 365-ish days till our next meet-up. It's killing me, H. Really killing me, slowly and painfully. I'd like to say I'm overdramatizing it, but honestly, I'm not. It really is killing me. I feel my throat tightening just thinking about it, and tears are building up in my eyes. But I can't cry here, on the bus, on my way to pesach-camp. Maybe tonight, maybe I'll let myself cry for awhile. I think I should stop now, cause they're threatening to spill. The tears I mean. And I want it so bad, to just lay down in his arms and cry, let it all out.

I was happy, really happy, today. My friends said they noticed it, how happy I was when I got back from lunch (we lunched during my free period, from 10:30-ish to 11:45-ish). He has that effect on me, he really makes me happy, H! Happier than any one else, I think. Don't take that personal, you know how much you mean to me. You're my person, you'll always be! He puts me in a happy-zone, a comfort-zone, which is like nothing else. I stop to think when I'm with him, I just go along as things happen, it doesn't really matter what we do. Today we went to Sandvika and ate at Kanel. Suddenly a girl from my class (who happens to be the daughter of A's parents' best friends) came to the cafe with all her friends. It didn't bother me nearly as much as it probably should. I was laughing so bad when they suddenly came around the corner, but I merely said "there's Henri", waved hi to her, and continued talking about whatever it was we were talking about. I think A was more bothered than I was! Henri and her friends left before us, and when I got back my friends told me she'd told them how happy I looked. She told me she'd watched me from inside the cafe (A and I sat outside), that I laughed a lot. And I did. It's quite fascinating really, how "into it" he gets, when he tells a story. I just love watching him when he goes on about this and that.

We talked about everything and anything, H. You have no idea how much I wanna cry right now. It hurts, really bad. Have you heard the intro to "We found love"?

It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear.
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing.
No one'll ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.

I'm writing this on my phone, so I don't know if the HTML-codes will work once I post it. I guess we'll see!

#

# realizations

i just realized that i forgot to write a title for my last post, and that i'll post that other text right away. so here we go:
i can picture a life with him, which is weird, since i'm only (almost) 17. most people say you don't know what love is until you're older, still i keep wondering if this is it, you know? if this really is love?1've never been in love with a person this long before, not this much anyways. maybe it's the fact that i know he likes me back that makes me keep holding on... or maybe it's the fact that there's something about him, that he never fails to surprise me, that he makes me laugh when i don't even want to smile, that he's so honest. i guess it could also be that excitement with the fact that he's four years older, living abroad... that there's a chance he'll find someone else. that thought actually makes my throat tighten. but i don't think it's gonna happen, for some reason. i just don't think he'd do that to me. but that might be me being naive! still though...
i know he wants to live here, not abroad, and that he wants to design his own house (he's gonna design mine too anyways, so that won't be a problem). it's just that I've always wanted to live in the USA...but i'll live there next year, so i guess i'll find out how badly i want it...besides, we could travel! oh, i don't even know if he¨ll still want me when the times comes. in two years he'll be done in London, and i'll be done with high school. but a lot can happen in two years. still, i can picture a life with him.


i wrote this at school, in a free period. i sat out in the sun with two of my friends, listening to music, shutting out the world. i know i'll miss that when i move. that too... anyways, i don't know if I'll still want him. i doubt i won't...the way things are now, i don't understand how things are gonna be if i don't like him, seeing as I've liked him, conscious or subconscious, for so long. you know, like is not the right word at all. you know, i read somewhere that Norwegian might be the only language that has something that means "jeg er glad i deg" which is really sad, since it's just about exactly how i feel about him. and he told me that's what he feels about me to. so we're past liking each other! i guess "i care about you" is the closest, but that's not right either..oh well, at least you know what i mean, right H?

#

#

did you see what he commented on my status, Hannah? It made me laugh, really laugh, out loud. Then i felt tears building up in my eyes, and as they fell down my cheeks  i realized how much i really miss him. There are moments when i'm doing things, and really wishing he was there with me, but i think it's the moments when he makes me laugh i miss him the most, because i realize that even though he is (what seems like) millions of miles away, he is able to influence my mood and my days. i wrote about something the other day (Friday i think it was), and i'll post it here for you when i feel like it, when I've dried the tears from my eyes and pulled myself together. and i also have to lift my lazy ass of my chair and get the book...which i just realized is in my backpack, right next to me! i'll write it later today, don't worry. until then: go in peace, serve the Lord with joy ♥
(oh, don't forget to check out my usa-blog! not that i'm posting much on it just yet)

#

# one of those days

This has been one of those days that I've longed for him more than usual. But then I spoke with him on chat, and all was good...funny how that works! So now I'm bein sentimental (and still talking to him) and hanging out at weheartit...

#

# what a life I lead!

Remember my complaint-post earlier? Yeah, here's another one for ya!
School went from being pretty okay, to EXPLODING in my face! Everything keeps getting postponed at the last second, which means I get worked up for nothing time after time after time!!
Here's a sneekpeak at what the last week had in store for me:

Monday: Geography test - went to hell and below!
Tuesday: funeral, TenSing
Wednesday: skiday at Norefjell. The weather was crappy, there was way too much snow on the ground, and it kept falling from the sky all day. Oh, and don't forget all the snowboarders!! (Snowboarders shuffle the snow in to HUGE heaps of snow at random places, while other spots are copletely free of snow, aka. ice!) Oh, did I mention ZERO visibility? Well, at least I didn't have to spend all day in a sweaty classroom! And then there was the AFS-dinner thing! Cozy
Thursday: National Women's day! Meeting with Accenture about girls choosing science at High School! This was actually really really fun! Then I went to my physiotherapist with my back,which really hurts.. but he made it tons better! I love my physiotherapist!
Friday: Work-out with two of my girlfriends! I can't remember if I worked out on Monday to, but I really hope I did! I'm gonna work out tomorrow anyways, but I'm trying to get in at least two/three sessions a week..not very successfull right now!
Today I'm having a sushi-date with a girlfriend. I've never made sushi, so this could get interesting!

I've started playing around with Henna paint, I'm such an artist!

Anyways, I'm trying to fit my life in to my schedule, but guess what: it's NOT working!! Oh well, time to get back to studying...great...what a life I lead!! And I'l try bloging more often, promise! (Not that anyone but Hannah is reading this blog anyways)

#

#

This is just on of those weeks where you have WAY to much to do! And I feel like complaining, so here we go:


Monday:

• English: presentation about a poet (Robert Frost) and a poem (The road not taken)
• Prom
• Read 100 pages for social studies test

 Tuesday:

• social studies test - 100 pages!!!
• Prepare for visit at Microsoft
• TenSing

Wednesday:

• Social studies: visit a company (Microsoft) and make a presentation about it
• Prepare for Spanish presentation
• Prepare for English presentation

Thursday:

• Spanish: presentation about an island
• English: dramatisation about Forrest Gump!

Friday:

• OMG!!! Nothing to do!!

I barely have no time to hit the gym, and I'm trying to stay in shape! I'll have to try making time today, Thursday and Friday!
On Saturday I'll hopefully go to the movies with a couple of friends, and try to have a life.. Winterbreak was last week, and I'm already longing for Easterbreak! it's only in, like..five and a half weeks...great!

I absolutely love this picture!

Notice the tiny pink house!

We passed dousins of small villages like this one!

Cutest man ever!

There were lots of tiny churches and chapells!

Wonder how many people they get fit in here!?

Imagine skiing down this!!! AMAZING

Now, lets talk about something that isn't quite as sad, and make me seem less whiny: winterbreak♥
I spent the week off in Sölden, Austria, and in Nothern Norway and at home. The photos are from the bustrip between Münich and Sölden! I actually took the last two days off and went to Austria to go skiing. It was GREAT!! Tons of snow, powder and slopes. Each year we go some place new, and this year we went to Sölden in Austria. A little city with three skishops for every one other kind of store, haha!

#